R U OK?

Ok, so I had this really awesome post that I spent ages writing and it was really good I was kinda impressed. Then as I have gone to post it right now .... It's gone. I did not save it.

Fuck.

I wrote about some of the things I have been through in the past 12 months. Love, loss, grief, pain, tears & anxiety. How at times I never thought I would get through it, I couldn't take another blow. I wasn't OK. Sometimes I feel like I'm still not OK.

As a mumma, I have days where I just think of how different my life would be if I hadn't gotten pregnant. How my life would be better. How my child just torments me and tortures me and I feel trapped and if I hear 'nah' and 'muuuuuummmmmm' once more, I will cry (do cry), one more tantrum and I will run away. I contemplated leaving my child at the shopping centre and driving far far away after a complete meltdown in centrelink, the bank & woolies - each in a row which resulted in me actually saying 'you just wait until we get home girl I am going to smack you and put you in your room and enjoy it'. Those days I feel like a complete failure & a horrible mother.

But then after the hideous show at dinner & bath time, I put my baby to bed with a kiss, and she looks at me and says 'night night mum, love you' and I know that I am a great mother. And I AM OK.

Life has really tested me in the past year, I've been through worse then a shitty day with a 2 year old, but I AM OK. And I WILL BE OK. When I am not, I talk about it. It helps to get it out and have a good cry in the shower. I know I have a lot of support people and I feel comfortable and not judged.

I am blessed.

Just Us

Well hi there fellow bloggers .... Just incase you are wondering, I've got an almost whole new look to go with my new life!!! I haven't posted in a good 10 months or so ... What an intense 10 months it's been! Come to think of it blogger probably would have been a great idea, as my BFF keeps me aware, my life is so full of drama that I could make a highly successful reality tv show!

So last time I posted I'm pretty sure I was a teensy bit nasty where it concerns certain areas (people, person). That person isn't in my life anymore, which has helped me grow and learn ALOT, which I am grateful for, but I'm also quite angry about this absence because it is in fact ..... Baby daddy. Baby daddy (or previously known as Captian Awesome)  moved to a whole different state (was the sex really that bad?!) & we don't see or speak to him these days. I'm most probably going to write a post on single parenting & daddy issues at some stage, but for now, let's talk about all the fun I have been having!!

So after the whole messy separation, I'm which I thought if never ever survive, I put the tissue box away & dedicated all my anger on moving forward. I got a house for me and my E girl to live in, it's horrible. It's old, and run down, the carpet is different colored in each room, the kitchen is tiny. Anyone who knows me knows I need a big kitchen to be happy. This just totally kicks me in the feelings! I furnished my 3 bedroom house with bits an pieces from friends and family, I had a blue couch and a yellow couch. I drank a lot of beer for a couple of months. Recently, my wonderful father helped me paint my house to freshen it up a little, and that it did!!  A little more proud of my home now. Because after all, it's mine. Me and Ella make the rules here.

I also decided that I needed to go back to work. I was getting all Britney like, and I have really nice hair so I quickly did something about it! I LOVE working! Although I am always so busy now, with a freaking 23 month old and a job and a house to maintain on my own. *yawn* But I really wouldn't have it any other way! I love going to work because for a few days out of the week, I am me. I am no ones mum. I am a 21 year old who works in a coffee shop, I talk to my workmates about getting pissed & sex lives & laugh about silly stuff! I have a life!!!

I also have a beautiful baby girl who I adore, each day I'm so proud of her. I have the most supportive, wonderful family, I have beautiful friends who accept me for what I am and what I believe in. I am happy. My daughter is happy.

This is my life & it's just us!

I'll be back to blog my life stories soon, thanks for stopping by!!