R U OK?

Ok, so I had this really awesome post that I spent ages writing and it was really good I was kinda impressed. Then as I have gone to post it right now .... It's gone. I did not save it.

Fuck.

I wrote about some of the things I have been through in the past 12 months. Love, loss, grief, pain, tears & anxiety. How at times I never thought I would get through it, I couldn't take another blow. I wasn't OK. Sometimes I feel like I'm still not OK.

As a mumma, I have days where I just think of how different my life would be if I hadn't gotten pregnant. How my life would be better. How my child just torments me and tortures me and I feel trapped and if I hear 'nah' and 'muuuuuummmmmm' once more, I will cry (do cry), one more tantrum and I will run away. I contemplated leaving my child at the shopping centre and driving far far away after a complete meltdown in centrelink, the bank & woolies - each in a row which resulted in me actually saying 'you just wait until we get home girl I am going to smack you and put you in your room and enjoy it'. Those days I feel like a complete failure & a horrible mother.

But then after the hideous show at dinner & bath time, I put my baby to bed with a kiss, and she looks at me and says 'night night mum, love you' and I know that I am a great mother. And I AM OK.

Life has really tested me in the past year, I've been through worse then a shitty day with a 2 year old, but I AM OK. And I WILL BE OK. When I am not, I talk about it. It helps to get it out and have a good cry in the shower. I know I have a lot of support people and I feel comfortable and not judged.

I am blessed.

Just Us

Well hi there fellow bloggers .... Just incase you are wondering, I've got an almost whole new look to go with my new life!!! I haven't posted in a good 10 months or so ... What an intense 10 months it's been! Come to think of it blogger probably would have been a great idea, as my BFF keeps me aware, my life is so full of drama that I could make a highly successful reality tv show!

So last time I posted I'm pretty sure I was a teensy bit nasty where it concerns certain areas (people, person). That person isn't in my life anymore, which has helped me grow and learn ALOT, which I am grateful for, but I'm also quite angry about this absence because it is in fact ..... Baby daddy. Baby daddy (or previously known as Captian Awesome)  moved to a whole different state (was the sex really that bad?!) & we don't see or speak to him these days. I'm most probably going to write a post on single parenting & daddy issues at some stage, but for now, let's talk about all the fun I have been having!!

So after the whole messy separation, I'm which I thought if never ever survive, I put the tissue box away & dedicated all my anger on moving forward. I got a house for me and my E girl to live in, it's horrible. It's old, and run down, the carpet is different colored in each room, the kitchen is tiny. Anyone who knows me knows I need a big kitchen to be happy. This just totally kicks me in the feelings! I furnished my 3 bedroom house with bits an pieces from friends and family, I had a blue couch and a yellow couch. I drank a lot of beer for a couple of months. Recently, my wonderful father helped me paint my house to freshen it up a little, and that it did!!  A little more proud of my home now. Because after all, it's mine. Me and Ella make the rules here.

I also decided that I needed to go back to work. I was getting all Britney like, and I have really nice hair so I quickly did something about it! I LOVE working! Although I am always so busy now, with a freaking 23 month old and a job and a house to maintain on my own. *yawn* But I really wouldn't have it any other way! I love going to work because for a few days out of the week, I am me. I am no ones mum. I am a 21 year old who works in a coffee shop, I talk to my workmates about getting pissed & sex lives & laugh about silly stuff! I have a life!!!

I also have a beautiful baby girl who I adore, each day I'm so proud of her. I have the most supportive, wonderful family, I have beautiful friends who accept me for what I am and what I believe in. I am happy. My daughter is happy.

This is my life & it's just us!

I'll be back to blog my life stories soon, thanks for stopping by!!

Blogging Scares The Shit Outta Me!

Yes, it really really does!! I read quite a few blogs & I love it! There is some really excellent ones out there but then there's some really horrible ones! Or the cool ones get attacked. Bloggers are nasty! Sorry - Some bloggers are nasty. I just can't buy into it! I really don't need it!

As mentioned before, I'm on my own now with the monster. So I am feeling like my parenting is on constant watch by friends & family. It scares me! It hurts me. Because at the moment I'm being told every day "you need to put Ella into daycare just one day a week". Eeeeeekkkkk! I've never been a fan of the whole day care thing, she's only 16 months old so please don't tell me - just because you work at a day care centre - "you need to out her in to get her ready for school". Shut up. Seriously. But then I have my family saying things like "put her in so you can have some YOU time & do your tafe courses and do beauty from home like you want to" (YOU time.. What's that) or "you need yo find your own life & not just be ellas mum bevause uou will end up sad & lonely" which I get and I appreciate the love, but I'm scared and I'm not ready, I think Ella is, but I'm not! So maybe a trial run could do.

But the constant judging!! Wow. I am doing the absolute best I know how right now and feel like a failure as is, without the judging!! Then I read these blog posts & see te nasty comments and debates & literally get anxiety! So I'm thinking of revamping the blog while I decide to blog or not to blog & to daycare and have a life or to not daycare and be a mum!!

My First Blog In 2012 ...

Hi Friendly Followers!! How are you all? Good? Good.

So, time to catch you all up on the craziness that is 'Me & Us', although, it is not 'Me & Us' anymore, just me and the monster!! Yep I'm a single mummy now! So the blog may need a little revamping, once i figure out how to do that one!

I have been pretty slack with the upkeep with my blog - I'll try harder this time!

So since my last post back in October, I have - Moved in to my own house, gained a whole new level of Independence, changed my hair colour, fought & played nice with Captain douchebag Awesome, Started toilet training the monster, lost 10 kilos, drank and smoked ALOT, got a kitten and named him Bruce and learnt a shit load of lessons along the way.

This whole 'Independance' thing definitely has its ups and downs. I mean doing what i please, not wearing make up every day, having a girly doona cover and not feeling guilty about it, Pretty Cool - But NOT having someone there to wipe my tears or catch me when I'm falling, to help with dishes and shitty nappies, and to want to wear make up for, and chat on the couch, and participate in late night bedtime activities that only require 2 consenting adults, Freaking Lame!! I'll get there though - Chin up girlfriend stop sooking (that's my mantra).

As for my monster .... Ohh she is just divine! Shes 15 months old now. Can count to 3 and likes saying the word no!!! Shes just wonderful, still amazes me every single day - she has gotten me through everything!

Our house is not what we are used to, We went from living in a nice, newly renovated home with a corner spa for mummy and lots of lovely furniture in a tiny peaceful town to an old, run down but OK to live in house with NO corner spa bath and super nosey neighbours, no nice lovely furniture just bits and pieces from friends and family including a YELLOW lounge that seats 2, in the burbs in the big old city. I'm not complaining at least we have a home with furniture and we have food in the cupboard. That's all that matters right!!

So in the past 4 months this mummy's life has changed dramatically - and its only when i speak of it out loud that i realise how fucked up it really has been!! But I'm OK, and my monster is healthy and happy and as long as she goes to bed with her Ted then shes OK to!!

Hope you stop by soon my friends xoxoxoxox

Im Baaaaaccckkk!!!!!

hello fellow bloggers, Im back! Yes, i know it has been a while - so long in fact i forgot my password ... hmm. So Im going to let you in on a few little things that have happened in my life the past 6-7 weeks!!

Well - My E-girl turned from gorgeous weet little bubba girl to, MONSTER! This is her new name because she is in fact. A Monster!!! She walks, she gets into everything, we are at my mums house which my brother & his wife are living in until they can buy - they are any minute of having there own little baby, Monster got into the babys room, found the shampoo, opened it and tipped it all on the carpet. She also got to the hot chocolate powder, she got into my friends fireplace - turns out she doesnt like the taste of ash. She has attitude, she bites herself when i say no, she bashes her cousin with the tv remote... As i said, a monster! 

So along with my monster rangling skills, I am dealing with a man child .... Yes thats douchebag Captain Awesome. Hes being a bit of a panzy at the moment (nice words mel, his mother might read this) and is currently in QLD at his mummys house where he has been for the past 2 weeks (once again mel, nice words) thats a whole blog post for another day!!!

So as i said Myself & Monster are stayin at nanny and pops house with my brother & his wife and baby to be, its awfully squishy here, Im hoping to have my own house pretty soon, Yep thats right im moving back to the city!!!!!! Woo Hoo! Finally after 2.5 years og country life, mummas a city girl again!! I dont even care that it takes me 10 minutes to get through traffic just to grab some milk &  e thomfrbread rather than it being alot easier to walk to woolies to drive back in the country!! I am city bound  again!! I can smell the pollution from the traffic & hear the sirens, but i dont care - I Love It Here!!!!!!!! Plus i actually have babysitters here, I even went to FAB on saturday (massive music festival on the foreshore) I left home at 11.30am got home on 4am sunday morning & Ella was sleeping perfectly & I had a freaking ball. I acted like a 21 year old, I met new people who didnt talk about nappies or teething, I danced so hard that my legs hurt on sunday. I had so much fun i never complained about how bad i needed a greasy kebab!!

So Me & The Monster have turned a new page in our book, We are getting there in the small amount of space we have here, we have our family and we have each other - We may not have awesome, but we have each other & thats all that matters!!

 Stay tuned to here more of our city life adventures xo

My wonderful mummy friend!

Look at me.... 2 posts in one day!!!

This one is not going to have ANY complaining at all, this one is me being super mooshy & grateful for my wonderful mummy friend (she wont have a name because i dont know if she wants everyone to know how awesome she is).

This wonderful mummy friend of mine has been my savior since having miss E, even before i had her! I met her when i was 15 weeks pregnant, she to was pregnant but much further along then me. She gave me all sorts of advice and i remember feeling so overwhelmed & had no idea what she was going on about but i bloody do now!! When i was in labor she sent me a photo of her breastfeeding saying 'this will be you tomorrow' & i just could not wait to have my little monster latched on (something mummy friend taught me about).

She gave me 3  nappie boxes full of clothes for my baby which were sizes 00000-0 and im onky just running out now!!! Also she told me about these crazy nappy things (MCNs) and obviousky seen the 'what the-im too lazy for that shit' look on my face so she gave me 4 of hers & sent me home to play around with them & i came around to the idea and ordered 10 for my baby, then tonight she gave me 12 of them, one that i always loved seeing on her baby and one that was pretty new & i know it hurt her to give away because it was her favorite. Bless. Plus in her giving me free stuff she has given me a change table & a freaking high chair in pretty mint condition i might add!! As i said, savior.

Its not just her generosity that i adore, its her wonderful, beautiful,caring personality, she has helped me so much in my mummy days, calls me out on my shit & always gives me an honest opinion. I think she is a bit of a supermum (even though i dont think she likes being called that - she is). Shes pretty bloody awesome and im so happy shes my mummy friend!!!

I best be off now to go hang my new nappies on the line!!

Mummy friend - you know who you are & I love you & appreciate everything you are xoxoxo

Killing time ...

Hi everybody!! Im here today blooging because well im pretty bad at keeping up with it quite possibly because i have 3 followers and i know 2 of them in real life so i ramble on at them anyway so i dont feel like i need to keep my 'fans' up to date as i have none!! Also because im killing time before we go to a BBQ, this weekend has gone so slow!!! Seriously. Its been so nice and sunny and warm this weekend i even dressed E girl without a skivvy & socks (I am known to overdress my child) even put her pool up and finally got her in her bikini i bought ages ago but its been to cold to put on her (i will post photos soon, as soon as i know how to), we spent 15 minutes in the sun this afternoon & awesome freaked out because her arms went a little pink, couldnt be the copious amounts of sunscreen we put on her!! So now we are back inside watching 'milly molly' while awesome yells at the tv because its 'stupid show and feels like torture' & E girl plays with everything but the million toys she has! So awesome 'DO YOU NOW UNDERSTAND WHY YES I NEED A GLASS OF WINE WHEN E GOES TO BED AFTER WATCHING ABC & SINGING & SAYING NO & CHANGING CLOTH NAPPIES 20 TIMES A DAY BECAUSE EBAY HAVENT DELIVERED MY EXTRA LINERS' ah hah. Awesome has been home since thursday because he has had a few wisdom teeth pulled and getting 2 more pulled tomorrow - yay - so its been o my mouth hurts, o i cant do that because i just had teeth out can you get the baby because she keeps oulling at my laptop cord. I, being female & using my brain would go to the other end of the house and sit at the table to do my work nit in the loungeroom where E plays, but thats just me!

Im now off to change yet another cloth nappy!!! Thanks for stopping by xo