R U OK?

Ok, so I had this really awesome post that I spent ages writing and it was really good I was kinda impressed. Then as I have gone to post it right now .... It's gone. I did not save it.

Fuck.

I wrote about some of the things I have been through in the past 12 months. Love, loss, grief, pain, tears & anxiety. How at times I never thought I would get through it, I couldn't take another blow. I wasn't OK. Sometimes I feel like I'm still not OK.

As a mumma, I have days where I just think of how different my life would be if I hadn't gotten pregnant. How my life would be better. How my child just torments me and tortures me and I feel trapped and if I hear 'nah' and 'muuuuuummmmmm' once more, I will cry (do cry), one more tantrum and I will run away. I contemplated leaving my child at the shopping centre and driving far far away after a complete meltdown in centrelink, the bank & woolies - each in a row which resulted in me actually saying 'you just wait until we get home girl I am going to smack you and put you in your room and enjoy it'. Those days I feel like a complete failure & a horrible mother.

But then after the hideous show at dinner & bath time, I put my baby to bed with a kiss, and she looks at me and says 'night night mum, love you' and I know that I am a great mother. And I AM OK.

Life has really tested me in the past year, I've been through worse then a shitty day with a 2 year old, but I AM OK. And I WILL BE OK. When I am not, I talk about it. It helps to get it out and have a good cry in the shower. I know I have a lot of support people and I feel comfortable and not judged.

I am blessed.

Just Us

Well hi there fellow bloggers .... Just incase you are wondering, I've got an almost whole new look to go with my new life!!! I haven't posted in a good 10 months or so ... What an intense 10 months it's been! Come to think of it blogger probably would have been a great idea, as my BFF keeps me aware, my life is so full of drama that I could make a highly successful reality tv show!

So last time I posted I'm pretty sure I was a teensy bit nasty where it concerns certain areas (people, person). That person isn't in my life anymore, which has helped me grow and learn ALOT, which I am grateful for, but I'm also quite angry about this absence because it is in fact ..... Baby daddy. Baby daddy (or previously known as Captian Awesome)  moved to a whole different state (was the sex really that bad?!) & we don't see or speak to him these days. I'm most probably going to write a post on single parenting & daddy issues at some stage, but for now, let's talk about all the fun I have been having!!

So after the whole messy separation, I'm which I thought if never ever survive, I put the tissue box away & dedicated all my anger on moving forward. I got a house for me and my E girl to live in, it's horrible. It's old, and run down, the carpet is different colored in each room, the kitchen is tiny. Anyone who knows me knows I need a big kitchen to be happy. This just totally kicks me in the feelings! I furnished my 3 bedroom house with bits an pieces from friends and family, I had a blue couch and a yellow couch. I drank a lot of beer for a couple of months. Recently, my wonderful father helped me paint my house to freshen it up a little, and that it did!!  A little more proud of my home now. Because after all, it's mine. Me and Ella make the rules here.

I also decided that I needed to go back to work. I was getting all Britney like, and I have really nice hair so I quickly did something about it! I LOVE working! Although I am always so busy now, with a freaking 23 month old and a job and a house to maintain on my own. *yawn* But I really wouldn't have it any other way! I love going to work because for a few days out of the week, I am me. I am no ones mum. I am a 21 year old who works in a coffee shop, I talk to my workmates about getting pissed & sex lives & laugh about silly stuff! I have a life!!!

I also have a beautiful baby girl who I adore, each day I'm so proud of her. I have the most supportive, wonderful family, I have beautiful friends who accept me for what I am and what I believe in. I am happy. My daughter is happy.

This is my life & it's just us!

I'll be back to blog my life stories soon, thanks for stopping by!!

Blogging Scares The Shit Outta Me!

Yes, it really really does!! I read quite a few blogs & I love it! There is some really excellent ones out there but then there's some really horrible ones! Or the cool ones get attacked. Bloggers are nasty! Sorry - Some bloggers are nasty. I just can't buy into it! I really don't need it!

As mentioned before, I'm on my own now with the monster. So I am feeling like my parenting is on constant watch by friends & family. It scares me! It hurts me. Because at the moment I'm being told every day "you need to put Ella into daycare just one day a week". Eeeeeekkkkk! I've never been a fan of the whole day care thing, she's only 16 months old so please don't tell me - just because you work at a day care centre - "you need to out her in to get her ready for school". Shut up. Seriously. But then I have my family saying things like "put her in so you can have some YOU time & do your tafe courses and do beauty from home like you want to" (YOU time.. What's that) or "you need yo find your own life & not just be ellas mum bevause uou will end up sad & lonely" which I get and I appreciate the love, but I'm scared and I'm not ready, I think Ella is, but I'm not! So maybe a trial run could do.

But the constant judging!! Wow. I am doing the absolute best I know how right now and feel like a failure as is, without the judging!! Then I read these blog posts & see te nasty comments and debates & literally get anxiety! So I'm thinking of revamping the blog while I decide to blog or not to blog & to daycare and have a life or to not daycare and be a mum!!

My First Blog In 2012 ...

Hi Friendly Followers!! How are you all? Good? Good.

So, time to catch you all up on the craziness that is 'Me & Us', although, it is not 'Me & Us' anymore, just me and the monster!! Yep I'm a single mummy now! So the blog may need a little revamping, once i figure out how to do that one!

I have been pretty slack with the upkeep with my blog - I'll try harder this time!

So since my last post back in October, I have - Moved in to my own house, gained a whole new level of Independence, changed my hair colour, fought & played nice with Captain douchebag Awesome, Started toilet training the monster, lost 10 kilos, drank and smoked ALOT, got a kitten and named him Bruce and learnt a shit load of lessons along the way.

This whole 'Independance' thing definitely has its ups and downs. I mean doing what i please, not wearing make up every day, having a girly doona cover and not feeling guilty about it, Pretty Cool - But NOT having someone there to wipe my tears or catch me when I'm falling, to help with dishes and shitty nappies, and to want to wear make up for, and chat on the couch, and participate in late night bedtime activities that only require 2 consenting adults, Freaking Lame!! I'll get there though - Chin up girlfriend stop sooking (that's my mantra).

As for my monster .... Ohh she is just divine! Shes 15 months old now. Can count to 3 and likes saying the word no!!! Shes just wonderful, still amazes me every single day - she has gotten me through everything!

Our house is not what we are used to, We went from living in a nice, newly renovated home with a corner spa for mummy and lots of lovely furniture in a tiny peaceful town to an old, run down but OK to live in house with NO corner spa bath and super nosey neighbours, no nice lovely furniture just bits and pieces from friends and family including a YELLOW lounge that seats 2, in the burbs in the big old city. I'm not complaining at least we have a home with furniture and we have food in the cupboard. That's all that matters right!!

So in the past 4 months this mummy's life has changed dramatically - and its only when i speak of it out loud that i realise how fucked up it really has been!! But I'm OK, and my monster is healthy and happy and as long as she goes to bed with her Ted then shes OK to!!

Hope you stop by soon my friends xoxoxoxox