R U OK?

Ok, so I had this really awesome post that I spent ages writing and it was really good I was kinda impressed. Then as I have gone to post it right now .... It's gone. I did not save it.

Fuck.

I wrote about some of the things I have been through in the past 12 months. Love, loss, grief, pain, tears & anxiety. How at times I never thought I would get through it, I couldn't take another blow. I wasn't OK. Sometimes I feel like I'm still not OK.

As a mumma, I have days where I just think of how different my life would be if I hadn't gotten pregnant. How my life would be better. How my child just torments me and tortures me and I feel trapped and if I hear 'nah' and 'muuuuuummmmmm' once more, I will cry (do cry), one more tantrum and I will run away. I contemplated leaving my child at the shopping centre and driving far far away after a complete meltdown in centrelink, the bank & woolies - each in a row which resulted in me actually saying 'you just wait until we get home girl I am going to smack you and put you in your room and enjoy it'. Those days I feel like a complete failure & a horrible mother.

But then after the hideous show at dinner & bath time, I put my baby to bed with a kiss, and she looks at me and says 'night night mum, love you' and I know that I am a great mother. And I AM OK.

Life has really tested me in the past year, I've been through worse then a shitty day with a 2 year old, but I AM OK. And I WILL BE OK. When I am not, I talk about it. It helps to get it out and have a good cry in the shower. I know I have a lot of support people and I feel comfortable and not judged.

I am blessed.